Unfair Fight

I never really understood the notion of a fair fight. Sure, if it's a structured competition where bets are waged and consideration for opponent size has been made, then there should be rules that ought to be followed. But if you are faced with having to fight for real, then why in God's name would you fight fairly? Perhaps it's just because I'm a girl and, generally speaking, a girl gets at most one or two tries to take down an opponent. So why wouldn't you fight "dirty" as soon as you could?

Case in point: Thumb War

Honestly, look at the size of his thumb. My thumb is easily 1/3 the size of his. This is clearly not at all fair. I'm left no other option but to fight dirty. I use all options available. Mainly I tag team his thumb with my thumb and index finger. Using my thumb to lure him in, I then wrestle him down with a surprise attack from my index finger, and as a final move I quickly position my thumb into lockdown position for the winning move. Unfortunately, even all this doesn't always work. His thumb isn't just bigger but ridiculously strong. I can't always hold him down. If the situation is dire I employ the "hey look over there" move to try and distract him or simply call in the cavalry (i.e. my other hand) to hold down his thumb for the requisite 10 seconds in order to win.

Some may call my techniques "cheating." I beg to differ; I feel I simply offer a more efficient way to win an unfair fight.

Flat Iron Bar

On the way home last night from getting the newish REM album.

Furious Fowl

In case I haven't mentioned it before, I dream rather often and vividly. I'm sure I must have dreams that aren't all gore and aliens but those I never remember. The ones I always remember are ones in which death is imminent and all that stands between me and death is...well very little. Let's face it I'm not particularly skilled. In the coming Zombie Apocalypse if you want to increase your chances of survival you should befriend me. I will be your funny, nerdy friend that figures out how to get the computerized DOS based electrified fence security system to start in the nick of time AND I will afford you extra time in your escape from the zombie horde because I run slower than EVERYONE ELSE and will surely die.

The other night I dreamt I was sitting in the back of a small bus on my way to work. As usual I was passing time by fiddling with my new phone. As we head down the street a loud thud is heard coming from the roof as if something large had been dropped on the bus. The bus stops in the middle of the street and I look up through the window and see that a GINORMOUS bird has landed on top of the bus. The small-sedan sized bird pecks at the roof with a very large sharp toucan type beak. I yell at the driver to keep going and to not open the doors. Meanwhile the bird has stopped pecking at roof and seems to be preoccupied by something else it has up there. I crane my neck against the window to get a better look at the bird and what it has it. I catch the gaze of bird and can see myself in its large shiny black eyes. After staring at me for a moment it picks up what appears to be a head still attached to a legless torso of a man wearing a "Jayne Cobb" hat and tosses it down the street behind us. Still on top of the bus it peers into the window and looks right at me as I hastily shove my "Jayne Cobb" into my blue messenger bag. At this opportune moment I recall a study I had read about in the New York Times about crows that can recognize faces. The bus reaches it's stop and I debate trying to run with everyone else to the train and trying to use the "herd" to keep myself safe. When I realize I run slower than EVERYONE ELSE and will surely die. Or do I stay in the bus and risk being grabbed like a sardine in a tin can.

I woke up before I had to make the Sophie's choice of how to best die. Later that I night I'm recounting my nightmare to Matt. He asks me to repeat what this bird looked like. "Large," I said "with a toucan beak and eyes as black as death". Matt grabs my phone off the counter and after a few taps asks was my bird large enough to knock down buildings? And perchance was it green?



Dam you un-aimable Boomerang bird! No longer satisfied with infuriating my waking life must you attack my subconscious life as well?

Patron

Have you ever dreamed that one day you too would be a "Patron of The Arts"? In said dream you would walk around all day wearing a monocle and top hat exclaiming "My, my how Kafkaesque" and polite laughter would ensue. Alas this dream is significantly more exciting in my head. In real life I rush to the lobby during intermission, claim a seat to relieve my aching feet (Pro tip: standing room only tickets at a three hour opera is a bad idea) and, after carefully counting out enough money for the bus home, debate if a 4 oz plastic cup of wine is worth possibly losing your seat to that blue hair staring at you from behind her walker. Granted you are likely to be able to dash to the bar and back before she can manage to shuffle her way across the room. But the danger still exists that morality may stand in the way of knocking her down to regain your cushioned butt surface.

How else can one support the arts? Preferably from the comfort of your own multi-seat home. Enter kickstarter.com where artists and the like can propose a project and the crowd/world/internet/your mom can decide whether they would like to fund your project. You set a goal and a deadline. If you manage to garner enough pledges to meet your goal before the deadline your project is funded! It's an all or nothing system. So if only your mom pledged and you never make it to that $5k goal then no one gets charged and your art is deemed lacking. Ok, perhaps judgement isn't really made but the conclusion is the same. Payments are handled through Amazon and not the artist. So no worries that your information is going to some random stranger in Portland that likes to put birds on things and call it art.

I've funded two successful projects so far and I think it's awesome. By the way, generally you get something back for your investment. So it's not like your totally throwing money out into the world.


My friend Nathan Boucher is currently funding a small indie comic called Adventure is Out There. Wherein his girlfriend and him will go to New York City find adventure and fun, write and illustrate a comic and sell it on Etsy. There are different levels of funding but the on I chose is the $20 level that get's you:

You will receive a hand crafted portrait of you in NYC doing something famous that will be included at the back of the final book. For instance: climbing the Empire State Building, caught in a New Years Eve celebration in Time Square, as a taxi driver in a yellow cab.

How sweet is that?! Big plus I love both Nathan and Meagan's drawing style so I look forward to it. They've met their goal already but feel free to contribute so many more adventures can be sought.

Seagull

I stood around for an unacceptable amount of time today waiting for this seagull to fly away. I quit waiting when he turned around and dropped a duece.

Post a day

I'm going to make a mighty attempt to post once a day. I have high hopes seeing as it will mean that I get to use my fancy phone more often. I'll do my best. ::Fingers crossed::